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Last Updated: Dec 28th, 2006 |
The media typically portrays domestic violence as a straight womanís problem ó with the ìweak womanî being seen as a victim of the ìstrong man.î But domestic violence is an issue for gays and lesbians too, even if both partners are of an equal physical build. But because itís not talked about as much in our community, gay people may not be aware of what an abusive relationship really looks like. In his excellent article "Domestic Violence and Abuse in the Gay Community: Breaking the Myths and Ending the Silence" (on TheBody.com), author Rick Sowadsky outlines several signs to look for to find out if you are now or ever have been a victim of domestic abuse: - If you have ever been hit or otherwise hurt physically when your partner was angry, or if a partner threatened to hurt you while he was angry, you have been abused. Even non-violent threats are a sign of a problem.
- If your boyfriend or girlfriend has ever broken, or merely thrown, an object while he or she was angry, he or she was being abusive towards you.
- If you are frequently insulted or yelled at, you are being verbally abused. Verbal abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse.
- Ask yourself if you are frightened to go home because you are worried you will be hurt. If your answer is yes, you are in trouble.
What we say to convince ourselves we are not being abused Strange as it may seem, we sometimes lie to ourselves when a partner is abusing us, telling ourselves that the abuse is all in our heads. Or worse, sometimes other people tell us the same thing. The bottom line is that nobody wants to believe he or she is in an abusive relationship, and no one wants to believe their friend is in one either. Here are some common scenarios that play out when victims try to convince themselves they are not being abused, according to Sowadsky: - You think he or she is too nice to be an abuser. And perhaps he or she is nice when not abusing you, but that doesnít mean you are not being abused. ìAnyone, regardless of how nice they seem, can commit domestic violence against another person,î Sowadsky points out. ìSome people are like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. They may seem nice to other people when they are in a good mood (or when they are hiding their anger), but when they lose their temper, they turn violent. Even the nicest people can be guilty of committing domestic violence.î
- You think it is your fault. This is very common, says Sowadsky. ìPeople tend to blame the victim for the violence against them. For example, a person may say, 'What did you do to make him so angry that he hit you? What did you do that he got so angry that he threw the bottle at you?' The answer to those questions is, the victim did NOTHING wrong. Victims do not cause violent behavior in their partners!î
- You think if he or she has not physically hurt you, then you arenít being abused. Sowadsky illustrates this problem with an example of a man who has thrown a bottle in a room: If the bottle doesnít reach the partner, the partner believes the boyfriend was just throwing a bottle, and not meaning to hurt him. But ìonce the guy throws anything, and once anything in the room becomes airborne, then this is domestic violence. ÖGiven enough opportunity, one day, the object that is thrown will end up hitting the partner.î
- You tell yourself that he or she will get better. This is when you recognize an abusive event has occurred but tell yourself it was a one-time-only thing. It is very dangerous to think this way, according to Sowadsky. ìIf someone commits a violent act, they tend to be violent again later on (days, weeks, or even months later). The question is not IF the violence will occur again, but WHEN it will occur again. ... The only thing that will put an end to a person's violent behavior is ongoing counseling and therapy.î
© This Week In Texas
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